Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Saying Anything

A Conversation with God -- March 20, 2008


Nothing happens by chance and I don't think that You brought me here at this time, by accident.

This time, 6 years ago I walked out of a marriage.

And now, this time 6 years after, I walked out on another relationship and have again, found myself alone.

I used to be proud of the fact that I was alone -- proud that I didn't need anyone except Kiddo in my life. Often, I would look at others who needed to be in the companionship of another as needy and weak.

It turns out that I am no different from them. They were afraid of being alone. I was afraid of being with someone and what it would entail - giving of myself, opening myself, sharing my chaotic complicated life held together by my daughter - needing someone to share its happiness as well as its trials. I was afraid of being with someone again and needing them -- giving them a place in my life knowing that by doing so I would only give them the chance to hurt me, to take advantage of my vulnerability so carefully disguised as strength and yes, sometimes as defiance -- almost daring anyone to get close.

We were the same -- afraid.

I have been told that I am difficult to love.

But it is also true that I have difficulty loving. The part of me - whatever it is that is supposed to have feelings is encased in stone. I have become a cast iron bitch and was proud of it, not knowing it was driving some away. Not knowing that I had built my own defenses and programmed them in such a way that being with another was equivalent to coming face to face with my previous failures, acknowledging my inadequacies, looking at everything as an ending rather than as a beginning.

Perhaps I haven't really forgiven myself enough to give myself another chance. It was devastating to have already fallen, not really knowing if I could get up again. I don't know if I can risk the control, the independence that I worked so hard for. I have to think of Kiddo. I have already caused her pain. I would never again sacrifice her happiness for my own as I had when I walked out on her father.

But everything has a reason and often, lessons of forgiveness, of recognizing the good in others despite what has been done.

Yes, there is a reason for every single thing that happens in this lifetime. And absolutlely nothing happens by chance.

May I find my own peace, content and forgiveness in that.