A Time to Heal

It took me 7 years to finally decide to leave him. I found myself facing an uncertain future alone, with no husband and no father for my 16 month old daughter. I was so certain that we had exhausted all the options, but why didn’t my decision bring on the much longed for relief?

The decision to end a marriage often leaves you even more lost and confused. After finding the answer to the question, “Are we ever going to work this out ?”came the even bigger and scarier questions of “Now what?” and “How am I going to get through this?”

No matter what the circumstances are surrounding the break up of your marriage, there are certain truths that need to be adhered to and processes that you need to allow yourself in order to keep your sanity, and help heal your broken heart.

Give yourself time to mourn

With the end of a marriage comes the realization that you will not be living what earlier seemed to be a simple dream of a complete family that would grow up and grow old to together. Give yourself time to mourn and cry about those unfulfilled dreams. Allow yourself to grieve over the death of a love that you thought would see you through your old age. When you allow yourself the comfort of this solace, you will be able to better help those around you who are equally affected by this war – your children.

Reacquaint yourself with your children

Rarely does a marriage break up over night. Most couples go through numerous attempts to try and work things out -- whether it’s through counseling or therapy or just plain hanging on and hoping for the best. The bottom line is, it takes a while before you both reach the decision to call it quits.

Unfortunately, it’s during this state of uncertainty – in between trying to work it out and ending it – that the children usually end up as collateral damage. Like you, they too are walking on eggshells, and are a part of all the fights, though as onlookers. While this was all happening, you may have found yourself so physically and emotionally drained that you were unable to comfort them.

Now that you can, use this time to reacquaint yourself with your children. You may find that you are in a better state to explain the situation to your kids and reassure them that none of this is their fault. Not having to see mom always crying or shouting it out with dad shows your kids a stronger and calmer parent – one that they know they can depend on to help them ease their own pain.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help from your family

If there’s one good thing that can come out of a situation like this, it’s re-discovering the unwavering support of your family. Whether it’s to share in child care responsibilities or just hold your hand, you will find that your family will be there for you. You’ll be surprised at how your mother will know what to do without you having to say a word. You’ll be grateful for your sister’s show of a deep compassion that is not based on pity.

Forget the past, but remember to learn from it

Though you may not be able to help yourself, do not dwell in the past. It is not healthy to indulge in the “what if’s” and “if only’s” while thinking about the gorgeous wedding that people still talk about, the honeymoon in Paris and even more painful, the everyday moments when you looked forward to coming home and having someone to talk to about your day.

Be thankful that you had many happy memories with someone you loved. Like many other memories, they are part of your personal history and have made you who you are. It is also a part of your children’s lives and has made them who they are as well.

Forgive yourself

It may take awhile before you and your husband can forgive each other, and you will find that before you can actually do that, you must first forgive yourself. Stop blaming yourself for the things that went wrong. Yes, it is devastating to find out that sometimes in reality, love just isn’t enough. Yes, it is humbling to find out that you made a mistake, but it does not make you a failure. Nor does it make you inadequate.

Rest your doubts and fears on the immutable truth that everything happens for a higher reason.

Move on and hope

After all that has been said and done, the one thing left to do is move on. Raise your children the best way you know how and love them with everything you have.

More importantly, don’t forget to hope. Like everything else, this too shall pass. Life, while sometimes cruel and unjust, is filled with second chances.


//Re-printed from MWM, June 2003