Raising Kiddo

The other day, Kiddo told me that she wanted to live with her Dad.

Being the Drama Queen that I am, I somehow envisioned that the coming of this day would be marked by full fanfare and theatrics. The scenario would be me not allowing Kiddo to go to a party with her friends or out on a date with a Bad Boy (hey, I was of legal age when I went out with a Bad Boy, she should wait her turn as well!). I imagined Kiddo raising her voice in her efforts to reason with me and make me see her way, and me refusing to budge on my decision. The scene would come to a climactic, emotionally-charged ending where Kiddo would walk out on me, slam the door to her room and start packing her things, threatening to go off and live with her Dad.

Instead, it happened on a very ordinary day while we were going home from one of our dates. She just quietly said, “I want to live with Daddy na.” My heart caught in my throat with this declaration. I wasn’t at all prepared for this. This was supposed to happen at least 10 years from now – not when she’s just 4 years old! I found myself thinking aloud and asking, “Who will live with Mommy?” She immediately responded by saying, “You stay with us, too.” The moment of silence I took before answering this felt like an eternity. “You want to live with Daddy na?” I repeated, not knowing what else to say. “Yes. I miss him na, e.” was her heart-wrenching reply.

It took me a few days to compose myself and think about how to best address this situation. Again, I thought that I wouldn’t have to go through this until a few years down the road, when I would at least have enough time to write a proper script and rehearse my lines.

The Glamazon and I caught up with each other at the gym, and I told her about this incident to help me process my thoughts. We ended up having a crying session at the Member’s Lounge in our sweats which weren’t put to much use that day. At least we were able to come up with dialogue appropriate for the various possible endings.

I detached myself from the situation and tried looking at it from Kiddo’s point of view. I figured that Kiddo voicing out her thoughts was her way of saying that she wished she could spend more time with her Dad. So I talked him to discuss enhancing our current “time sharing” arrangement. Apparently, Kiddo has also been asking him to live in our house. When her Dad tried reasoning with her by saying that he would have no place to sleep, her ready reply was that he could sleep on the floor while she would sleep on the bed with me. I’m telling you, the depth of her reasoning at age 4 amazes me.

We agreed that we would slowly start explaining to her that Mommy and Daddy have separate houses, but that just meant that we didn’t live together. We worked on a schedule where they could be together mid-week as a weekly interval might be too much for Kiddo to bear. We also talked about the possibility of her spending some time with him during school breaks.

I realize that perhaps Kiddo doesn't want to live with one parent over another, but to instead have them both living together. However, given the realities, I simply continue to be thankful that despite the separation, Kiddo’s Dad still voluntarily plays an active and constant role in her life. More importantly, he shares the responsibility of raising Kiddo. I don’t think we can ever really share anything else outside of the love that we have for our daughter, but he is and will always be her father. And that despite the complexities of the situation, as my dear Sista pointed out, it could be a lot worse. There would be a lot more explaining to do if say, I had a boyfriend or if a sibling that did not come from Mommy’s belly came into the scene.

Kiddo mentioned living with her Dad again last night. This time, making more of a plea out of it, saying,“Can Daddy live in my house? Please, please, please Mommy.” Being a bit more prepared this time, I decided to talk to her in a sensible manner. I told her that while Mommy and Daddy have different houses and don’t live together, it didn’t mean that we loved her differently. I explained that there are some kids whose Mommy and Daddy live together, but there are also kids like her, whose Mommy and Daddy live apart. I tried to reassure her by saying that her Dad and I both loved her and would continue to raise her together as best we could.

In typical Kiddo manner, she once again threw me by saying, “But I want Daddy to live in my house – so you won’t cry na, Mommy.” I have always tried to keep Kiddo from seeing me sad for fear that the feeling would somehow transfer itself to her, so I had no idea where she got this. She claimed that she saw me crying when I was on the phone talking to her Ninang Glamazon. This, of course, was not true, but it wasn’t far from what actually happened at the gym either. (My god, was she somehow there with us??!!) Overcoming my initial shock, I ended by asking if it was okay if she continued to live with me. It seemed simple enough for her and she agreed to this arrangement before happily going off to play.

I have no idea if this formula will work. I just feel that apart from love, the best way to raise Kiddo is with honesty and consideration for her feelings -- never belittling them by thinking that she won’t be able to comprehend just because she’s a still a child. I believe that this is the only way to raise an extremely perceptive child like my Kiddo. She may be only 4, but her sensitivity and understanding can’t seem to keep up with her age.