Less Than Perfect

A colleague who is married with kids surprised me one day by asking me -- very tentively -- if being a single mother was as difficult as it seemed. She was very apologetic about asking such a question, possibly worried about the intrusion I would think she was making. Having thought about this a lot myself, it did not take long for me to answer: "Actually, no, I really like the autonomy it offers so I find it easier in a lot of ways." She immediately replied, "Yeah, you know, I would think so, too! You don't have to worry about another person meddling or countering the decisions you make!".

I studied my colleague carefully to see if she was one of those Mean Girls whose words of empathy were actually veiled attempts at condescension. Oddly enough, there seemed to be no patronizing disdain in her words, only factual declaration. Having been on my own for the last 6 years, I completely understood what she meant. I was, however, thrown by the emotions that accompanied her revelation. It was an emotion that I could not place and later, after much thought, could only begin to describe as...wistfulness, almost envy.

After more talking and sharing of parental woes, I found that my colleague was not under any major marital distress. She just suspected that her life would be a lot less complicated (on top of everything else she had to do) if she could make decisions on her own without having to worry about her husband all the time, making her feel like she was taking care of another child; albeit a grown one.

It was entirely new for me to have my life, do I dare say, admired? I had grown accustomed to being questioned about my choices and the way that I continued to live my life, precariously balancing the individual needs of both a mother and a woman.

The incident made me recall a conversation I had many years ago with a good friend of mine who is the total opposite of me. She was Tsinay or "La Chinoise", I was just Pinay. Her upbringing and subsequent value system was neo-traditional while mine was Western and liberal. Her tastes in music, clothes and reading were classic and timeless; mine were racy. She was married and having children on an on-going basis; I just had Kiddo. In fact, the only common denominator between us was parenthood. The Usual Suspects will always be My Core, but when it came down to the juice – yaya drama, the best grocery buys, discipline, even dealing with The Outlaws – La Chinoise was often my helpline. (The Usual Suspects just couldn’t cut it simply because they haven’t gone through it yet.) In a lot of ways, our lives were mirror images of each other, the way our personalities were.

La Chinoise speculated that it must be great to be able to make even the smallest of decisions on my own, and have them carried out without worrying about conflicting parenting styles or having to appease your partner. I told her that the autonomy also came with alot of pressure. It meant that I also had to take full responsibility for all the decisions I make, which is also no easy feat.

I remember sensing a tinge of envy in her voice back then, and quickly dismissing it. I thought she was only entertaining romantic illusions about being a single mom. I would often look at her life – her bright beautiful daughters, her easy-going husband, their realized dreams of a house attributed to their successful careers and wonder what it would be like to have that – everything which I had wanted when I first got married. (well, except of course for her husband).

These two generally happily married women shared the same feeling of wistfulness about my life. It’s not that either one would actively volunteer to a single mom… rather, I think what triggered this “single-mom-envy” was knowing someone who simply had the guts to be one.

The easiest part was physically walking out of the marriage. Making a life for myself and Kiddo amidst sticking out like a third wheel at children's parties with the other "complete" families; guilt over wanting to party knowing full well that I had to take care of a baby; fear about job security when I had to watch Kiddo in the hospital instead of going to work – were the hardest to deal with; and which no one can ever really prepare you for.

From the outside, it may seem like my life is less than perfect, but like these two women reminded me, the great human equalizer lies in the fact that so is everyone else’s.