Mean Girls

Why is it that some women are so mean and overly critical of other women?!

In the almost 4 years that I have been a single mom, I think I’ve heard it all; from unsolicited advice, to biting judgment, to the usual barrage of prying questions. While it’s true that some comments are innocent (though insensitive nonetheless), some are just downright malicious and uncalled for.

With great difficulty, I have learned to prevent a “piece of my mind” from coming out of my mouth, as most of the time, it's simply best to keep quiet. However, there are times when the women are just so catty, and the comments so nasty that they deserve a comeback. These are the times when I feel the need to fight fire...but not with fire, too, as I shouldn’t appear rude or affected. This is when I practice the art of diluting a snake’s venom, the art of being a mean girl without really seeming like one.

How is that possible?

Read on and check out the saccharine-coated comebacks in action. Delivered with a smile, my trademark arched eyebrow, and a look straight in the eye, I've found that you can sweeten your retorts, without anything being artificial about it.

The Office

Act 1, Scene 1: THE NAÏVE ONE

“Why do you need to get a bikini wax, e wala naman nakakakita nyan? Si Kiddo lang naman.” (laughs)

I SAY: “Don’t you get one before wearing a bikini? ….Oh, you’ve never worn one.”
I THINK: “Uh huh, and I can sure see why.”

Act 1, Scene 2: THE GOSSIP MONGER

“Why did your marriage break up? How long were you married? Are you friends? Does he give child support?”

I SAY: “O, easy lang! I’m starting to hear background music playing. Yun na lang kasi yun kulang at para na kong guest sa “The Buzz”, being interrogated by Kris Aquino and Boy Abunda.”
I THINK: “Close ba tayo?.”

Act 1, Scene 3: THE TACTLESS ONE

“Why don’t you start using your maiden name so that men will know that you’re available again?”

I SAY: “Does your dictionary say that “separated” and “available” mean the same thing? Because mine doesn’t.”
I THINK: “Maybe you should start minding your own business.”

Act 1, Scene 4: THE ‘BY THE RULES’, DO-GOODER

“Your skirt is too short. And I don’t think that sandals are allowed in the Dress Code.”

I SAY: “Aren’t you from IT? If you want to go around citing the Dress Code, you might want to move to HR first.”
I THINK: “You’re not exactly the Fashion Police, you know.”

Act 1, Scene 5: THE JUDGEMENTAL ONE

“Ano yun mga na da-date mo? May mga asawa din?”

I SAY: “Mga asawa?! Actually, I prefer that they don’t have one at all.”
I THINK: “Hello?!!!?”

Act 1, Scene 6: THE TRYING - TO - BE - HELPFUL ONE

“Hey, isn’t he also separated? Why don’t you date him?”

I SAY: “Because we've both taken a round trip to the altar, and I don't need the Frequent Flyer miles.”
I THINK: “Geez, if you like him so much, why don’t you ask him out? Maybe then you’d get a date.”

Act 1, Scene 7: THE INCREDULOUS ONE

“Do the guys you date even know that you have a kid?!”

I SAY: “Actually, I tell them that I need to moonlight as a 3 year old’s nanny to augment my income and support my shoe fetish.”
I THINK: “If you had half a brain to know any better, you would know that it’s not something you hide.”


The Relatives

Act 2, Scene 1: THE EX-SISTER-IN-LAW

“Kawawa naman si Kiddo. I feel so sorry for her, she’ll grow up without a father…kaya my husband and I always strive to work things out.”

I SAY: “Her father didn’t die, you know. Unless there’s something you’re not telling me?”
I THINK: “I feel sorry for you. You need other people to be unhappy to make you feel better about yourself.”

Act 2, Scene 2: THE EX-MOTHER-IN-LAW

“I look at children of broken homes and can’t help but feel sorry for them. They all grow up to be so dysfunctional.”

I SAY: “Not necessarily. I mean, you and your husband have managed to stay together, but look how your children turned out.”
I THINK: “If you’re trying to make me feel guilty with that one, you’re going to have to try harder.”

Act 2, Scene 3: THE INSENSITIVE TITA

“You were married for how long? Wow, you gave up pretty soon. Bakit? Hindi mo nakayanan?”

I SAY: “I’d really prefer not to talk about it. Besides, I think there’s a reason why a person’s private life is called private. Don’t you think so, too?”
I THINK: “Just because we’re related doesn’t mean you have access to my personal life.”